Sunday, March 07, 2010
i dreamt of you last night.
we were back in the house, and it was exactly how i remembered it. the glass table, the chair you always hung your towel on, everything. you at the stove cooking your prawn egg omelette. the one that always somehow turned out with the prawn and egg separated. it was a failure of an omelette, but that, that was so you, only you could have made it that way, even when mummy tried to make it like you did, she couldn't. there was something else after that, but i cant remember what anymore.
when i opened my eyes, in that groggy state, i was expecting to be back in my old bed, listening to the songs coming from the living room..but hey, it was a different room, a different place, with no songs, except that freaking irritating magpie crowing outside my window. i can remember so many things about you, and some of the memories have started to fade, but that prawn omelette and song playing has remained so vividly stuck in my mind.
i saw the pictures that time, you knew i saw the pictures, but you didnt mention anything. did you want to say something to me? tried to say something, but couldnt get it out? didnt know how to say it? i would understand if that was what happened, cause that's exactly how i felt. i wanted to ask you about it, wanted to congratulate you, wanted to tell you im happy for you. but i couldnt....i knew i would have fallen apart, start crying just by saying those words. it was like re-confirming everything that was wrong about this separate lives we were leading. it wasn't supposed to be this way and we shouldn't have been thinking of having that conversation at all.
have you really moved on? can you truthfully say you're happy now? if you're happy, i'll be happy for you too. and pictures dont lie, you didnt look exactly overjoyed in them, or was i reading too much into it? and i also saw the neoprint of the 3 of us in the drawer..have you looked at it and wondered as i did, what might and could have been? i can always picture you, lying alone on that bed at night..and i will always wonder, what do you think of just before you fall into sleep? who do you think of? do you think of us?
you've both moved on, but know something?.... im still stuck in the rut. ive tried, but at the end of the day, that's exactly where i end up again. as time goes by..the memories fade...but it doesn't heal anything, doesnt make the tears go away, doesnt make the hurts hurt less, doesnt make it all better. some days are wonderful, but there are also days when seeing something, smelling something, going somewhere reminds me of you, of everything that's wrong with this life im leading. you seem to think everything's rosy on our side, but you can't be more wrong. she's unhappy there, i'm unhappy she has to be there, and it's just.....hell. his presense should have brought some balance back into our lives, but has it?
all these years, ive carried hopes that maybe one day, no matter how impossible it may seem, we'll end up together again, just the 3 of us, just like before everything happened. and it hurts like mad, knowing that's not a possibility anymore, though nothing can stop me from clinging onto that hope.
i guess this is now the part where i sum it up, the part i congratulate you, say im happy for you, take proper care of her, love her with all your heart, give her kid the happy, blissful life you couldnt give me, keep that neoprint locked away, and please...never forget us, and i'll always love you.
goodbye you, goodbye hope.Tuesday, March 02, 2010
i hate to see unhappy stuffs happening to people.
and i hate myself more for not being able to do anything abt it.
when am i going to stop running away, and stop pretending the world's a happy place?
life is short, it is indeed, and i should cherish it,
but seriously?
i hate it.
r.i.p