Tuesday, June 22, 2010
dear ah ma,
i remember many years ago i was staying at your house, and you started crying so hard, asking why did all this happen, that why he couldn't be given another chance, saying what are you going to do now that we are gone. those were some of the very questions that i was asking myself too and i wanted to tell you that he was already given alot of chances, and that we will always still be here, only that we won't be there for reunion dinners as a complete family anymore, but i kept quiet. i kept quiet and listened to your words and your sobs, crying too as i continued doing what i was doing, face turned away from you, hearing but not wanting to hear what you were saying.
even though we weren't the ones in the wrong, it just feels like we have let you down so much. amongst them all, you were the only one who cried, and that showed how much it affected you, and also how much you loved us, not bearing to let us go. every CNY, without fail, you would ask us to go back for dinner, but in the end, i would be the only one going, and i could see and hear the disappoint on your face as you ask me year after year, 'so she's not coming, busy with work?' there was once she hinted she wanted to come, but i think there are too many strings attached that prevents her from doing so. ah ma, i am disappointed too, i am sad too. even though it would probably be very awkward with the 2 of them around, but what i would give for her to come, to have everybody together again for that 1 night, 1 night if that is all i would get. just 1 night where i can pretend everything's back to normal, and i would forever cherish that very moment till the day i breathe my last.
when daddy called to tell me what happened last sunday, i felt....normal, but now after processing what he said, it made me think long and hard about you, and it just linked to all of that stuff. i know how frightening it must be for you right now, and i could hear it in your voice when i spoke to you that day. you sounded like you were going to cry, and i feel your pain too, but i just didnt know how to express myself to you properly. i know i've always been your favouritest grandchild, and still am, even after everything that happened, and you've always treated me so well that even my aunties have jokingly complained about it.
mummy met you a few times over the years at the market, she told me you look happy to see her, and im happy that the kinship has not been lost, also that mummy said after all, we're still family. im just glad she understands. mummy went to see you at the hospital today, and she said you teared up as you told her what happened to you, probably cause you were scared, and you started crying when you two talked about me. ah ma, it makes me cry knowing you care so much about me even though you are the one not doing well. i'm alright and doing well over here, so pls dont be worried for me. i should be the one worrying about you instead.
i would never have the guts to tell you this face to face, but here, i am going to say, i love you ah ma, thank you for loving me, loving us all this time, for hoping for the same things that i hope for, for hurting with us as we hurt. i pray that you will have a speedy recovery, and get strength back into your legs soon. pls do not feel scared or frightened, cause i believe that you will well real soon.
lastly, im sry i cant be there by your side to comfort you cause of my own selfish fear of flying, im truly sry :'( and pls get well soon..
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
do you realise that things usually happen when you're at your busiest and have no time to really process them?
been troubled by bits and pieces of news i'm receiving from home. and i've been forced to put them aside for the time being to concentrate on exams (which is progressing well enough thankfully), but yet the pressure and stress of having to study does not totally eliminate the troubled thoughts that strays into the midst of the mind while say, memorizing random equations like the Smoluckowski equation (Smoluckowski sounds like a dog's name) and things like electrophoretic mobility...HUH?!?!?!
all these things combined are driving me out of sync! i'm finding it increasingly hard to get to sleep at night nowadays, if not, i'll fall asleep and then wake up at random times in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. why!!!!
am going to try sleep now, gotta study for exams tomorrow, wasted the whole of today getting distracted! zzz
Also,
condolences to the Loke, Tay and Tang family.
especially the Tang's, as you come to terms with it all.
may you stand strong in the face of adversity.